TSSI #6 – Desire: The Highway To Misery
Read Time: 3 minutes
Today, I’m going to be digging into the paradox of desire & happiness.
When I was 25 years old, I learned a lesson I’ll never forget.
I was in Sotogrande, Spain, sitting on the balcony of a gorgeous 4 bedroom apartment. The sun was still shining while I was eating dinner. Next to me, there was a crystal clear pool reflecting the evening sun. And on the rooftop, a hot tub overlooking the sea.
The apartment was immaculate. It screamed luxury. A sponsor had allowed me to stay there alone for free. A paradise all to myself.
But I was miserable.
My biggest desire was to be top 100 ATP.
I wanted to win a lot and make a name for myself. I wanted to play Davis Cup and be part of the British Team. I wanted to earn a lot of money, stay in nice hotels and not worry about the price tag of eating good food.
But I wasn’t there. I was losing a lot of matches. Not making progress. I was beating myself up.
This was a reoccurring cycle.
But, that evening, on the balcony, I watched a video by a YouTuber called Matt D’Avella.
The words of advice from the video: the more you chase something, the more unsatisfied you’ll be with the result.
He explained it as the ‘Backwards-Law’.
The more you crave being rich, the poorer and more undeserving you feel, regardless of your actual bank balance.
The more you want to be slim and sexy, the more you realize that you’re not, and you come to see yourself as ugly regardless of your actual appearance.
The more you desperately want to be happy and feel better all the time, the less satisfied and happy you will become.
Why?
Because pursuing something only reinforces the fact that you don’t have it in the first place.
The more I chase that ranking goal by the end of the year, the more I’ll realize, “s**t, that’s a long way away”.
Naval Ravikant said: “Desire is a contract that you make with yourself to be unhappy until you get what you want.”
But sport & business is all about having goals and desires, right?
Does that mean that we must be miserable until we get what we desire?
We need to completely flip this on its head.
Seeking happiness through achievement is making happiness a destination.
Which is a problem for 3 reasons:
Outcomes are often out of our control
When we achieve something, happiness is fleeting because we quickly move onto the next goal.
When the emphasis is on the destination, we stop enjoying the journey.
We can't not have goals & desires, especially in business & sport.
Goals give us purpose and a sense of direction. They ignite our motivation and fuels our drive towards something meaningful.
So, the question is, how do we make sure that our personal ambition doesn’t get in the way of our own happiness?
The answer comes in 2 simple practices:
Acceptance
Mark Manson wrote: “Wanting a positive experience is a negative experience, while accepting a negative experience is a positive experience.”
It's a skill that's easier said than done. But if you can practice acceptance, you'll begin to see:
Failures as learning opportunities.
Limitations as room to grow.
Challenges as the moments that build strength and character.
You'll enjoy the journey a lot more.
2. Gratitude
We've all heard of gratitude journalling.
The cliche: 3 things that you're grateful for in the morning.
But honestly, it goes a long way.
It forces you to look for the silver linings, take pride in your victories and appreciate all that is good in life.
Or, there are some great gratitude meditations if that's more your thing. Just search on YouTube.
Make this a daily habit. It has an instant payoff.
So, if you find yourself miserable like I was, just remember:
You must go after your goals, but not get attached to them.
You must practice acceptance and gratitude.
The true payoff is along the journey.
