TSSI #11 - Toxic Parental Pressure
Read Time: 4 minutes
Today, I want to talk to the parents about the 2 approaches to pressure in sport (athletes & coaches should learn about this too).
If you can understand the role that you play in regards to pressure, then you give your child the best chance at success & happiness.
Unfortunately, most sports parents that I've met don't understand the impact that they have on their children.
And because they don't understand their impact, they often have a negative one.
Parents are the biggest reason for burnout, miserable sporting experiences & quitting.
The issue today is going to help you understand and make adjustments to the way you go about being a sports parent.
Here are the benefits:
Your child enjoys themselves more
Your child stays in the sport longer
Your child improves quicker
Your child becomes the best they can be
And...you can be a proud parent!
Let's start with a quote:
“It’s not about reducing stress and pressure. It’s about building our capacity to embrace more! Because stress and pressure is the entry point into sport and life.”
— Johan Oliver, Sports Psychologist
1. Why I only half agree with this...
On the one hand, as an athlete, we must do our best to improve our ability to tolerate increasing loads of stress & pressure.
I completely agree with this.
Research has show that trying to reduce pressure only ends up making it greater.
On the other hand, it's the parents' & coach's role to reduce the pressure that their child/player feels.
Here's my thinking:
As a young child, there is more than enough self-imposed pressure.
Every child wants to win, be a winner in their social group and feel proud of themselves.
We've all seen the yelling, crying & racket throwing at age 10.
Winning & losing is viewed as life & death for young children.
Self-imposed pressure is fine.
What is not fine, is when parents & coaches mount huge amounts of pressure on their children to win.
Your job as a parent or coach is not to increase the amount of pressure that they put on themselves.
Because too much pressure, too soon, leads to:
Lack of enjoyment
Poorer performances
Burnout
Quitting the sport
Reduced sporting achievement in the long-term
They already experience enough self-imposed pressure, don't add to it.
That's only adding fuel to the fire.
External pressures, like agents, sponsors & money can come once they're professional.
External pressure from parents, especially when young, leads to unhappiness & burnout.
So, how do parents add external pressure?
2. External pressure from parents...
Here's what I know to be true about the impact that parents have on their children:
Dan Kiernan, on his podcast, Control the Controllables told a story that went something like this -
"I was playing in my first ever Wimbledon main draw doubles match. There were thousands of fans watching the match and milling around the court."
"I had every right to be nervous & try to prove to them that I deserved to be there. To prove that I had the level to compete in grand slams."
"But, there were only two people who's opinions I cared about among the thousands watching. And that was my mum & dad."
I believe this to be true for all sons & daughters. We all want to make our parents proud.
So, as a sports parent, you have a greater impact on your child than you think.
And it's up to you whether you make that a positive or negative one.
Here are the ways I often see parents adding unneeded pressure:
High Expectations: often based on their own experience and achievements. Parents have high-expectations and put undue pressure on their child to excel & meet their standards.
Living Vicariously: parents trying to relive their own dreams & ambitions. This leads to the child feeling compelled to succeed in sports to make their parents proud.
Overemphasis on Winning: if this is the primary focus then it adds immense pressure for the child to perform well every game. The child starts to feel like their self-worth is attached to their athletic success.
Specialization & Intensity: most of their friends are playing a range of sports & hobbies. So, forcing your child to specialize in one sport & train like a pro adds enormous pressure. They feel like they must succeed.
Comparison: I always hear parents comparing their child to others, in front of their child. Results, rankings, hitting partners, coaches, training, opportunities. It's not healthy.
Sacrificing Everything for the Sport: especially when young, your child doesn't need to miss every birthday party for practice. Let them find a balance. They're still a child. Prioritizing sport over everything only increases pressure.
How to be a great sports parent:
Let the coach do the coaching
Focus on loving your child unconditionally (win or lose)
If you have feedback for your child, give it to the coach and allow the coach to relay the feedback. It will be a lot better received.
Emphasize enjoyment, effort & personal growth over winning
Hold your child accountable for their behavior & attitude, not for their results.
Focus on a well-rounded approach, where it doesn't become too much too soon.
Here's a closing idea:
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